The Path of Desire: Tantric Saints in Indian Buddhism
This talk was given in November 2009 to the Buddhist Studies department of Stanford University. Unfortunately the quality of the audio recording was quite poor, but thankfully the content is extremely rich.
Offered with love of for all of us passionate, outcast, non-hierarchical, anarchistic, sex-positive, freedom loving, intelligent, courageous, fe/male aequanimitas, explosive, insightful, insane, rejected, questioning, birth, life & death worshiping, filthy, wild and deeply compassionate humans.
Two birds in my hands and nothing inside them
I’m starting to feel my grip on certain aspects of reality dissolving. Not that this is unusual in a sense, said grip has been in tenuous flux for years. Though this is different, as my ability to function in the world, social world specifically, seems to be improving, internally I am experiencing a far stronger feeling of being lost at sea. I can no longer rationally tell if I am gaining greater clarity or falling into deeper illusion. I’m feeling kind of anxious. I’m loosing reference points. Everything truly is composed of shifting sands.
I’m being split in two; a feeling like being able to communicate more and more fluently in a language I can understand less and less.
I’m content to let this keep unraveling, it’s not like I really have a choice. I just have to continue to try to treat the people I love and those who come into my life as best as I can. I’m experiencing a lot of confused emotions, confused because their genesis is not clear, nor is their direction and they are quite persistent, if not in the foreground, just waiting below the surface. I felt very angry for a couple of weeks and this changed to sadness all of a sudden a few nights ago, though that is fading again.
Part of this is my increasing experience of Buddha Nature, (though I would like to be more secular about it, I haven’t yet found a term I really like.) I have formal relationships with a few teachers from different traditions and through these channels I’ve experienced profound formal and spontaneous pointing out instruction, which has built on raw experiences I’ve had since I was much younger. Which is exactly what should be happening and will continue until enlightenment.
My lived and participatory relationship with aspect of my awareness is very strange and I feel the root of much of these feelings, of greater clarity simultaneously with greater sense of being lost. (My ability to use language is breaking down in my attempt to clearly convey these concepts and experiences without to much time and effort spent, so increase babbling will ensue.) Kind of like the sense of internal clarity, space and transparency is disorientating and pleasurable. It feels almost completely removed from my participation in the external world, but threaded intimately through it and one reason I can negotiate this world with greater ease these days, precisely because I’m loosing sense of queued reference points, things are dissolving into an amorphous mass and I mostly can just kind of enjoy the absurdity of it all. When I do/can focus with unmuddled conscious purpose I tend towards a seemingly very simple desire for pleasure and happiness for myself and those around me within all the complexity I can sense but not understand.
An intense sense of I
Don’t Know Mind?
1 year ago · 9 notes
Eight or ten years ago I was initiated into a specific yogic lineage, I haven’t practiced the teachings for quite a while because I was not happy about somethings within the group, however, the teachings themselves are very powerful. I’ve recently felt I’ve enough time, space and development since then to reengage with this yoga and I did so this morning.
I sat for 5 minutes; my nadis were cleansed, flowing, my chakras energized and the light of ajna coalesced without effort, flowering in my mind as plain as day. Original nature is of course always.
Such are the benefits of well developed practices and teachers who really know what they’re doing. They can touch me in a dream and I go into Samadhi or my mind turns to fire and burns through every appearance, thought or sensation, leaving only itself in it’s most pure essence. So many teachers are half baked. I of course am still in the oven, but my chefs are wonderful. I have a chance to do things nobody else has ever done before.
1 year ago · 1 note